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Physical Credit/Transcript
Wanda Dollard: Can you believe it? I got turned down for a credit card. Brent Leroy: Hmm, that does seem weird. Did you apply? Wanda: Yes. Brent: Oh, it makes sense. Wanda: They sent something in the mail, said I was already pre-approved... Hank Yarbo: Ah, ha-heh, the old pre-approved thing. He-heh, oldest trick in the book. Brent: Older than this? Hank: Ah! That's not in the book. Wanda: I had big plans for this card. What a kick in the teeth this is. Hank: Oh, don't feel bad, Wanda. You're just like me. Wanda: What a kick in the teeth that is. Hank: No, I got the same pre-approved thing in the mail too. Except they gave me a card. But otherwise, same sad story. Wanda: You got a credit card? Hank: Yeah. It's no big thing. It was pre-approved. Hey, Brent, you got something on your shirt. Brent: Like this? Wanda: This is blatant discrimination. How come Hank gets a card and I don't? Hank: Hey, don't blame me. I didn't want to get one. You're the one that made it so I had to have a credit card to rent a movie. Wanda: That was Brent's idea. Brent: All the good movies are taken. The only ones left are the ones with lousy production values. Wanda: All that matters are story and character. Production values aren't important. Brent: We have to get tough on late fees. Make it so you need a credit card. Brent: Now it's all computerized. Hank: Computer. It's so cold and impersonal. Brent: That's what I like about it. Karen Pelly: The Secret of Skull Mountain? Davis Quinton: Bet you didn't take me for a Hardy Boys reader, did ya? Karen: Aren't you a little old for those? Davis: What? It's a very realistic crime drama about smugglers holed up in a mountain, shaped like a skull. What's with the getup? Karen: Oh, I'm gettin' ready for the new physical. Davis: What physical? Karen: The province is bringing in new standards for rural police forces. Didn't you read the memo? Davis: I don't have time to read memos. Oh, boy! Frank and Joe are in quite the pickle. Lacey Burrows: Hey, what's new? Brent: Aah, Wanda's all cranky. Lacey: What's new? Brent: Yeah, good point. But this particular time it's because she got turned down for a credit card. Lacey: Oh. You shouldn't tell me that. Brent: Oh. I think I just did. Lacey: It's not good confidante etiquette. Brent: Well, she didn't tell me in confidence. I'm not a confidante. I'm confident I'm not a confidante. Lacey: With things like money, you need to be careful. Take Frank Warman, he told me the bank might foreclose on his house. When I hear something like that, mum's the word. Brent: Hey, Frank, is this true, you might lose the house? Frank Warman: Thanks a lot, Lacey. Lacey: I told you that in confidence. Oscar Leroy: Brent's got a computer keeping track of the videos at the gas station. Emma Leroy: So? Oscar: What about trust? Stupid computer. It's like that movie. Emma: What movie? Oscar: You know, had the computer in it. It was a movie. Emma: Missed it. Maybe nobody returned it. Oscar: I don't like the computer. That's my take. Where's the trust? Emma: Don't tell me. Tell Brent. Oscar: I will. Emma: While you're at it, take back your movies. Oscar: I'll do that later. Emma: Yeah, right. Hank: Hey, what's all this stuff? Did you get a credit card? Davis: I'm getting in shape for a physical. Oh, check it out. Heart monitor. Hank: Hey, cool. You know, on the subject of credit cards, I got one. Davis: There's a cartoon heart on my watch, lets me know my real heart's going. Karen: The physical's gonna be tough. You can't just buy the gear. You've gotta actually exercise. Davis: Shopping's exercise. Karen: Track pants, workout shirts. You don't need all this stuff. Davis: Do you like the blue or the grey? Brent: Lacey says I'm not a good confidante. Emma: Did she tell you that in confidence? Brent: Maybe. Whoops. None of your business. Emma: You come in here a lot complaining about Lacey. Brent: Do I? Emma: Maybe you don't. I don't care. I'm trying to get through this sweater. Brent: Well, I think I'm a better confidante than Lacey. Emma: Don't tell me. Tell her. Brent: I will. And tell Dad he's gotta take back these movies. He's upsetting the computer. Emma: Why don't you? Brent: Yeah, right. Lacey: Wanda. Hi. Wanda: Hi. Lacey: How are ya doin'? Wanda: Fine. Lacey: It's okay. Brent told me about the credit card thing. Wanda: Oh. Lacey: He's not a very good confidante. Are you gonna be okay? Wanda: Well, I'm upset, I'm cheesed off. I'm really cheesed off! Lacey: Well, it is not worth losing your cheese over. Wanda: This is discrimination. Lacey: I'm not sure I follow. Wanda: Women pay more to get their hair cut, they pay more to have their car fixed, they pay more to have their shirts cleaned. Lacey: You send your shirts out to be cleaned? Wanda: Well, no. But I might, if it wasn't so expensive. Lacey: You think this is because you're a woman? Wanda: Well, it's not because I'm a giraffe. Lacey: You could be right. Of course I'm a woman and I have three credit cards, but I'm sure you're onto something. Wanda: What does losing your cheese mean? Karen: So, did Frank and Joe catch the smugglers yet? Davis: Great. Way to give away an ending. Karen: You know what you need? Davis: A private office? Karen: A personal coach, someone who could give you a kick in the butt when you needed it. Davis: Aw, thanks, Karen. But I don't think that would work, with us being colleagues and all. Karen: Me? I wasn't thinking of me. Oscar: Now give me 20. I mean 20 bucks. I don't coach for free. Brent: Hey, I hear you've been telling people I'm not a good confidante. Lacey: Who told you that? Brent: Wanda: Wait. Nobody. Dammit. Lacey: Keeping a secret is not your strong suit. Brent: Well, there's more to it. You've gotta get people to open up. I'm a good opener. I provoke opening. Lacey: No, you don't. Brent: Oh, yeah? You pick anybody in this town and they'd rather confide in me than you. Lacey: All right. You're on. Brent: All right. Now we've just gotta find somebody that we both know, but somebody we don't know real well. Lacey: Mm-hmm. Let's keep this on the Q.T. Brent: The what? Lacey: Entre nous. Brent: Come again? Lacey: Between us. Brent: Oh. Well, next time just say that. Karen: What were you guys noddin' about? Davis: What's this? Oscar: The one guarantee of physical fitness, the Canada Fitness Guide. Six events. The 50 metre sprint, the endurance run, sit-ups, the shuttle run, the standing broad jump, and the flexed arm hang. Davis: What does that do? Oscar: If you can do this, you can pass any physical. The Canadian Fitness Test is the last great thing this country ever achieved. Davis: I don't know, Oscar. Oscar: Come on. Don't just think about it. Do it! Song: Don't just think about it, do it, do it, do it. Do it with a partner it's really smarter. Do it in the water it's where you ought to. Do it on the weekend it's not fatiguing. Do it while you're groovin' it'll keep ya movin'. Oscar: Do it! Davis: I don't wanna do it. Hank: Lacey, I told you about my new credit card, right? Lacey: Actually, I read about it in the Howler. Hank: Wanna see it? There's a hologram of a bird. Lacey: I'm good. Hank: Feel the letters in my name. They're bumpy. Go ahead, feel. Lacey: Wow. That is a bumpy name you got there. Hank: Oh, yeah. I told ya. Wanda: Hey, do you pay more than Davis to have your shirts cleaned? Karen: More than Davis? Yeah, I guess I do. Wanda: I can't believe you put up with that. Karen: It's just the way it is. Brent: How's it goin', Karen? Karen: Fine. Brent: You look I like you got somethin' on your mind. Go ahead, confide in me. Open up. Hit me. Wanda: I'll hit ya. Brent: Karen and I are talking, entre que. Karen: Is this about my shirts? Brent: Oh, somethin' bothering you about your shirts? Wanda: She pays more than Davis to have them cleaned. Brent: Oh, you told Wanda already. Karen: I'm not sure what the problem is. They're just shirts. Brent: Can we move on to something else, somethin' you haven't already told somebody? Karen: I'd like to help, but I have no idea what you're talking about. Wanda: So why don't you go pay less for a pair of blue jeans somewhere? Karen: Hey, Lacey. Lacey: Hey. Karen, anything eating you? Karen: Pardon? Lacey: You know, anything on your mind? Karen: Well, kind of. Lacey: Really, because I'm a great listener. Karen: Well, it's just... Lacey: Just use me as your sounding board. Karen: Okay. Well... Lacey: Because sometimes it feels good just to say things out loud. Karen: I'm trying. Lacey: Oh. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Karen: Brent's been kinda weird around me. Lacey: Uh-huh? Karen: He wants me to confide in him. Lacey: Oh. That's all? Karen: Thanks for being there for me. Lacey: Well, you didn't tell him anything, did you? Whatever you do, don't confide in him. Brent: Don't listen to her. Karen: I'm outta here. Lacey: Oh. Davis: I still don't know about this old fitness guide. I was thinking of something more contemporary, like Jazzercize or Hot Yoga. Oscar: Look, I coached Brent to five gold ParticipACTION medals in a row. Davis: Really? Oscar: But I could never get him an Award of Excellence. Davis: What's that? Oscar: One higher than gold. Davis: Higher than gold? They don't have that in the Olympics. Oscar: I tried. But those idiots at the Canadian Olympic Committee have no clue. Ken Read: I'm sorry, Mr. Leroy. I can't convince the other countries involved in the Olympic movement to go along with this. Oscar: The old Ken Read would have done it, the Crazy Canuck Ken Read. Read: Those days are gone. I'm not crazy anymore. Oscar: No. Now you're useless. Oscar: Stick with me, kid. You've got what it takes to go all the way. Davis: Okay. Hank: What a spree, what a spree! You guys shoulda seen it. Lacey: Ah, we'll read the ad. Brent: So what did you buy with your credit card? Hank: A wallet. It holds my credit card. Brent: It also holds money, if that ever comes up. Hank: So, what are you guys up to? Brent: We're having a contest to see who can get Karen to confide in them. Lacey: Great. Tell everyone. Hank: You should tell her something you did that was embarrassing. That'll disarm her and then she'll probably open up to you. Lacey: That's not a bad idea. Brent: That could work. Hank: Hey, did I show you guys my other new wallet? Karen: Oh, hi, Brent. I'm on my way to a thing that I'm late for. Brent: I, I know I was kinda pestering you before. I'm sorry about that. Karen: Forget it. Brent: Oh. You know, you know, I did the stupidest thing the other day. Karen: You kept badgering me to confide in you? Brent: Not badgering, pestering. And, no, it was dumber than that. You know what I did? I put oil in the place where the windshield wiper fluid goes. Karen: I know. Brent: Sorry about that. Brent: Oh, yeah. Again, sorry about that. Anyway, in the spirit of me having done something embarrassing, is there anything you wanna tell me? Wanda: Is it true that Karen pays more to have her shirts cleaned than you do? Davis: Yeah. Wanda: And that's fine with you? Davis: It seems only natural. Wanda: Natural? Pig! I call you a pig because you're a chauvinist, not because you're a cop. Pig. Oscar: Three feet, Jackass. You wouldn't even get bronze. Hank: Hey. I almost forgot. Who wants to go for a ride in my new car? Brent: You bought a new car, with your credit card? Hank: No, I rented one, with my credit card. Uh? Uh? Brent: Wanda's not here. Hank: Huh? Oh. Forget it. Davis: What was that about, calling me a chauvinist? Wanda: Why should Karen pay big bucks for clean shirts and you don't? Davis: It's not big bucks. She pays me like five dollars a load. Wanda: You? I'm confused. I'm still angry, but I'm also confused. Davis: Karen pays me to do her laundry at my house. I like doing laundry. It's relaxing. So what's this about? Wanda: Ah, I got turned down for a credit card for no good reason. Davis: It could be identify theft. Fastest growing form of crime. You could be the victim here. Wanda: Really? Yeah, I'm the victim. Thanks, Davis. Would you do my laundry? Oscar: How is this sit-ups? Get back here, Davis! Davis: Gotta go. Oscar: Hustle, hustle, hustle! Karen: Hi, Lacey. Lacey: Hey, Karen. Did I ever tell you about the time my ex-fiancé came to town and I poured gravy on a piece of apple pie? That sure was an embarrassing moment, that happened to me. Karen: And this is another one. Hank: Hey, there you are. I, uh, rented a car on my new credit card. Huh? It was better the first time I did it. I had the timing down. It wasn't really good this time. Let me just try that again. Wanda: Don't bother. The reason I didn't get a credit card is because I had my identity stolen. Hank: Really? That is so cool. What's it like? Do you experience what the person that stole your identity experiences? Wanda: Well, if they're somewhere talking to a moron, then, yeah, I'm pickin' up that vibe. Hank: You should check your credit report online. It cost me 30 bucks. But, uh, I just put it on my credit card. Now you come after me? Where were you with the car thing? Davis: Shuttle run. I don't understand the point of this. Oscar: Quit yakkin'. You're on the clock. Davis: But, seriously, when am I ever gonna use this skill? Oscar: This isn't about usefulness. It's about doin' a job right. Davis: Well, I quit. Oscar: Fine. I quit too. And you're not gettin' your 20 bucks back. If you want me, I'll be at home hangin' around the house. Emma: Don't you have anything better to do? Oscar: Nope. Go again. Karen: All right. I need to confide in somebody about something. Emma: I'm listening. Karen: Brent and Lacey won't leave me alone. Emma: Neither will Oscar. I have a plan. Oscar: What are these? Karen: They're Davis's Hardy Boys books. You hold them as ransom until Davis goes back into training. Oscar: Okay. Hey, isn't ransom illegal? Karen: The shuttle run is a cruel mistress, Oscar. Oscar: Ain't that the truth. Davis: You took my Hardy Boys books. Oscar: Yeah. If you want to see them alive, you're gonna do the shuttle run. Davis: You stole from a cop. Oscar: Aww. Go tell Brent or Lacey. Brent: Hey, that computer is for work related activities, and solitaire, and occasionally minesweeper. Wanda: I'm buying my credit report online. I'm gettin' to the bottom of this. Brent: Don't you need a credit card to pay for that? Wanda: I borrowed Hank's. He thinks I'm looking at the hologram. Ah-ha, here it is. Brent: Oh, so who stole your identity? Probably that Bourne guy. That's his thing. Wanda: Here's the problem. I got ratted on by some company named Corner Gas. It seems I've been a little slack in returning my movies. Brent: Those pitiless bastards. Emma: So how's the contest going? Lacey: What contest? Emma: Oh, come on. I know what you and Brent have going on. Lacey: You do? Emma: Just between you and me, I think you're the better confidante. Just don't tell Brent. Lacey: Oh. Really? No, no, of course not. Oscar: Fifty sit-ups in 60 seconds. Well done. Let's move on to the flexed arm hang. Okay, I'm going to take the chair away now. Davis: I'm ready. Emma: I know you and Lacey are doing this silly contest. Brent: Who told you, Lacey? Gosh, she's a blabbermouth. Emma: It doesn't matter. The point is, I think you're the better confidante. Brent: Really? Emma: Let's just keep this between ourselves. Brent: Oh, of course. You know, Wanda's credit problems, it's her own fault. She set up a computer system that reported on herself. Emma: I'm sure Wanda appreciates you telling everybody that. Brent: Don't tell her I told you. Davis: That felt good. How did I do? Oscar: 12.5 seconds. Good enough for the gold. Davis: All right! Oscar: But not enough for the Award of Excellence. You failed. Brent: So any luck with Karen? Lacey: No. You? Brent: No. But never mind, I'm not gonna bother. Lacey: Me either. Brent: Yeah. Lacey: Yeah. By the way, your Mom said I was better. Brent: Yeah? Well, she said I was better. Emma: See? You both suck. Hank: I, uh, got rid of my credit card. Wanda: Really? Hank: Yeah. It was just making me buy things I didn't need. I mean I wasn't any happier. Paul: Ooo, sorry, Hank, you're over your limit and the company told me to destroy the card. Hank: Ah, can I at least keep the little hologram? Lacey: That was a stupid contest. Brent: Yeah. Although next time we should pick somebody who actually has a secret. Lacey: Yeah. Karen: I wonder what'll happen when Davis finds out I made that up about the fitness requirements. Emma: Just don't tell Lacey or Brent and you'll be fine. Davis: Hey, Brent. Your Dad's supposed to return my Hardy Boys books. Seen him around? Brent: No. Oh, wait. There he is. Davis: Noo-oooo! Oscar: An Award of Excellence! Finally! Category:Transcripts